For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to define the word ‘enough’ and I don’t mean in a definitive sense of the literal word I mean in the context of how enough is ‘enough’.
How much of something, whether it be an action or in words is enough to constitute the use of the word ‘enough’? How do you know if you are studying enough? How do you know if you are eating enough? How do you know if you yourself is enough for someone or something? And how do you know if you are good enough? And how do you know when you’ve done enough, and should you have really done more (and if you did do more, how much more would you have to do before you can say you’ve done enough that you really can?). Yes it’s confusing. It’s almost as bad as all the other unanswered questions or the what-ifs that linger in your mind about anything remotely important to you.
Justification is such a heavy aspect in the acceptance of ourselves and other people that it leaves this one word off in the air for interpretation and upon failure of some cause then does it reappear in the sense that ‘No, maybe you didn’t do enough.’
This concept arose this week as it does quite often for myself in the battle of not knowing which direction I am headed. I feel as though my life has been paved out and I know exactly what I need to be doing though when it comes to doing it my limbic system sort of shuts down dead duck.
In fact now that I think of it I believe there is something concerning my limbic system and its apparent see-saw. I should look into this as soon as possible.
Upon advice that I should go see a counsellor or health professional of sorts I find it difficult to fathom what they would tell me that I wouldn’t be able to tell myself or something that I don’t already know. Is there a mental condition or trait that describes being highly aware of oneself and their clockwork to the point of complete disregard for the opinion of anyone else about thyself simply based upon the fact that they are not you and rooted from the idea that nobody knows anyone better than they know themselves?
Sometimes I feel like I know myself too much that the processes in my brain strategically thread my thoughts to gain certain outcomes to which I have no understanding of how I got there or what’s happening or on the off-chance that this is not the case then maybe wilful blindness. Not that either can be proven via fact or science but for now it will stay as theory.
Bottom line being, I don’t know if I am enough or good enough for what I’m trying to be, do and become and it worries me intensely. I’d like to think I am doing enough and that my capacity as a human being is enough to pursue the dreams and path that I am walking along but then again, you never really know until you know… you know?
Anticipatory Boredom
Now usually I get excited at the end and beginning of the week because I am looking forward to what I have coming up or what indeed I have to stress for or more conclusively productive; what I need to do NOW in order to avoid stress later in the week.
This coming week seems…boring. Of course it isn’t because one of my good friends or maybe my only significant very-very-important-to-me-but-not-my-best-friend-ever-friend is taking a flight to lower Australia to experience the cultures of Melbournians and their musicalities and jealously excellent food that will not be touching my palate any time soon… Or that because for an entire week I will only be able to communicate with said person via emotionally challenging cyber/phone messaging. But we all know that’s a lie and that a few days from now I will be twiddling my thumbs with a semi-sad grimace on my face having the need to type mushy intents into cryptic phrases like “God I’m so bored” or “I hope you’re having fun in Melbourne” when what I really want to say is “God I’m so bored come back soon I miss you” or “I hope you’re having fun in Melbourne …BECAUSE I HAVE A STACK OF PAPERS IN FRONT OF ME AND I’M NOT.” To my usual submission I will probably end up muttering those words in some convolutedly awkward manner within the week before throwing my phone away into the depths of the ocean as a coping mechanism for all things specially spoken by my sheepishly shy soul. Note to self: Buy a new phone.
Nevertheless, I’m sure my bank account will accommodate for all the conjurings that my boredom may create, mostly particularly in the name of food and its variables; cooking, eating, dining, or rarer “cooking and then not eating”. That being said I really shouldn’t imprisonment myself inside for the entire week emerging only for air and sun to replenish my skin so I really should do what I have been wanting to do which is to go hang out with different people. Oh no, so much effort. Why don’t I just stay indoors and watch Teen Wolf, Suits or start Orange is the New Black? *Oh why Amanda that is a lovely idea!* *No no you can’t just stay indoors glued to a screen you’ll get fat and depressed* *Tell a Guardian to take her out!* #MulanAncestors
*Le sigh* Until then though I find myself sitting on my pile of clothes, sitting on my chair, sitting in the middle of my room with my fingers dancing across the key board taking an occasional break to wander aimlessly yet successfully in the popcorn bag that sits to my right. Oh hello Bueno bar I hope you’ve had a lovely day… unfortunately, for me I’ve had quite a boring one so hopefully you can make it interesting. For approximately 2 mins.
Alas my weary hands and eager mouth subdue me I bid both you and Mr Bueno, adieu!
Babysteps
Apologies for the absence for god knows how long (feels like forever) but it is hard to manage two WordPress blogs especially when you constantly have to log in and out to access them both (because they are not linked to each other and you don’t want them to be). BUT worthy as recent events have been I am not typically someone who can keep happiness to themselves and thus being the only thing increased when shared, the purpose of this post is known.
I have just recently received my academic results from my Autumn Semester under my newest endeavour; Bachelor of Science/Bachelor of Laws. I must say in comparison to my track academic record, my results have come all thumbs up! And this smile on my face will be impossible to erase for at least the next week. Aware that this is the beginning of a very long road and that things will only get harder from here on in I do hope I manage to keep on top of everything and that all my Buddhist wishes be that my time management skills are top on the priority control – followed closely in conjunction with emotional management and all elements that compose of a healthy human mind and/or life.
In the stomach department my own feed bag has been well deserved and lucky in having experienced last night a magnifique fine dining experience at the famous Quay Restaurant with a painful $225 pinch on my wallet (although I now see what all the hype is about). Reviews will be up in due time on my food blogging website The Forked Nib.
Company of course being the utmost of important factors in any sort of social experience I was pleased to be in the lovely presence of my three wonderful friends, Michelle, Eden and Minh-Chau. I cannot speak for the opinion of the surrounding tables who probably wondered why these four girls kept giggling at almost every dish whilst speaking a foreign Asian language every so often as to compare such tastes and flavours…Or at how excited one of them was upon seeing the Snow Eggs being transported to the table exclaiming joyfully “OUR EGGS! OUR EGGS!”. Yes our eggs indeed Michelle. Should I ever find myself back I would definitely lighten the load of expense with just a 4-course dinner however, the dessert choice will probably stay. We love our eggs.
After having an amazingly fun-filled weekend/half week consisting of my 21st birthday party at my home, a visit to Quay and the receiver of academic relief and happiness I really don’t mind having to work for the next 3 days straight. I actually quite prefer the wind down and so do expect to see me around active on the cyber world. I don’t think I have much money to be anywhere else anytime soon anyway.
Wishing you an excellent week!
– A
You can’t break down you can’t break down you have to keep it together you have to keep it all together. You are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed ot break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowedto reabk down e you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to break down you are not allowed to rbea dokwnn.
its happening again and this time I dont knnow what to do. its 5am in the morning and I cannot sleep again. I have been awake for a while now and I just keep getting flashes nad wanting to swipes evrething off of my table jennifer lawrence style in silver linings playbook I look at this mug and I just want to fling it across the room and onto the window but i know it will break and shard causing a scene then my parenst would wake up and I woul dhave to explain why I threw a ug against the window and why its broken and what is wrong to which I would hae to turn around say oh no big deal I’ve just been depressed for almost 5 years now coupled with with a record of 3 years worth of panic attacks and extreme bouts of wanting to destroy everything in my room , one semester full of I dont know what the fuck I am doing but I am doing it anyway along with a giant cup of I wish I was thrown onto a desserted island where the only thing I had to worry about was staying alive and yet that is in the fact the only thing that I concentrate on nowadays is in fact how to stay alive and not want to throw myself off any mortal endevous that will end with a room full of people wondering what more they could have done when really no there is nothing they could have done and that in the crux of all pain a person may feel helpless and powerless but such is power is the one to take a persons life even ones own if must ythought I am not there yet and I dont want to be. a room filled with things tha tI dont want od to touch or pursue and all I want to do is sleep but sleep means time and time i do not have for I have two exams in less than 72 hours. 72 hours . 72 hours . seventy two hours . senvetu houwrs or probably less and I dont know whatto do an dI don’t want ot talk to anyone and all I am doing is blindly typing now and hoping that there are no spelling mistakes throughout all of this and all I want to do is skut my eyes. shut my eyes from it all and not wake up. I just want it all to be over but of course thats not easy and that is selfish. very ver veyr selfish .dont do it. just sit here and just sleep. try and sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.sleep.sleep.sleep.sleep.sleeep…just type and sleep and dont think . dont think.d donth intkl.dont think dont even look at anything just clsoe your eyes and sleep. sleep.slepee.spelspppsoefsdits now 5:10 am . sleep.sleep.sleeep.sleep.selpepspd. Its going to happen all again and again and again and it never stops. Why wont it stop I just want to squish someone so tughtly to death and hope that is iisdfsdmine . I dont want this. why am i doing this . I just want to elet go. Such achiebment it is ‘I dont . garhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is probably just major exam stress. I dont want to deal with this. I just want to run away and never come back . why am I so shit omg die . I cant do anything. Just stay silent or g o to sleep or go somethwere dont sit here and die inside slowly omg what oifnawoeufawouebfaowubfoaw’efauwebfaouwebf’ouwebf’oawbf’owebf’ojjwefoNWEPFMewfW[OEFNowjfo’WNEFOJQENFOLEFPIQ;EHF wefiWNEFNAWPIFNwp
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But what if I never become anything. What if I live my life doing what i’m supposed to do and not what I want to do and then all of a sudden I wake up in a bed alone and check the time and freak out because I’m already minutes late and I put on clothes that I probably hate and don’t help in making me feel good about myself because let’s face it wearing good clothes makes you feel good and you magically have this strange new found self confidence where you know you look good and so this false confidence guides you and your day but then you realise what if this is the only thing in your life that makes you feel good about yourself and even the small things you do every day like printing this file and signing this sheet are all just useless acts that amount to a whole that apparently make the world go around and who are you now standing at this water filter being blessed with a life and yet not actually living it and that time could be better spent but then you’ve been taught your whole life that time is money and all the work you do now will amount to something bigger in the future and that you shouldn’t be selfish and just do what you have to do which leads you to question what is money to which you reply to yourself about how stupid it is this world runs on the flow and pathways of this tiny sheet of plastic or paper instead of hand touches and sunsets and beautiful scenery and the butterflies people get when you see the person that you love smacked bang with one of the biggest reality hits you’ve yet to discover as you find yourself examining the weaving threads of the carpet beneath your feet and thinking what has become of you and what happened to all those things you wanted to do but never did and don’t have the time and courage to drop everything in your life now to do them because you’ve got responsibilities, a mortgage to pay off, clothes that you forgot to pick up from the dry cleaners yesterday and so have to drop by there later in case you forget again remembering that shit you really haven’t visited Mum in a while and that you really should because she’s getting old and she’s taken care of you your entire life and then you start to think of all those times where she’s tucked you in which really gets to you igniting a sweet anger in yourself about how much of a horrible child you have been and that yes you really should visit her soon but you can’t today because you finish late, need to pick up your dry cleaning and you know that dream that you always wanted to chase but never put on the shoes for and now stuck into something different that you can’t get out of because how are you going to pay for your coffee or lunch it’s just too hard and easy to just continue with your everyday routine to overwhelming points where you suddenly start to experience bouts of regret each day slowly until you implode quietly remembering about that deathly silent panic attack you had last night where everything was numb and you had the strength to bash down a whole tree in that one small moment of pure rage and serenity and how all the people you love are asleep and there is nobody to cry with or hug or that everyone is probably dealing with shitloads of more shit than you are and that you’re just being a little pussy so you should shut the fuck up and deal with it or “be a man” leading you to wondering whether or not anyone out there understands you or whether or not we are all suffering in endless amounts of pain but all are wearing this everyday masks that conceal everything and so is anyone ever actually themselves…
#nostalgia
I miss you DD. I miss our days. I miss being silly idiots. I miss talking. I miss arguing and chucking shitloads of fits at each other. I miss versing each other in maths. I miss buying you noodles (lol). I miss it all. I miss my best friend.
And because I know you’re going to see this eventually upon occasionally popping by my blog and seeing how I’m going or what I’m doodling about on Instagram. And when you do I hope you know that I love you.
And that yes this is the part where you go “Oh Amanda U so silly bum.” in which I will sit here and smile like an idiot, and then continue with my life. Lol.
For one of my mini-assessments in my Science core subjects I am required to write a ‘journal’ piece every month to ‘reflect’ on a given topic and how I feel about it. This month we are expected to give a reflection on how producing our Major Report was (that was due last week). I just finished writing the reflection on vUWS and I couldn’t stop laughing because I then read it in an Englishman/British voice. This was the information given & my response:
In this second reflection, we are asking you to reflect on the whole process of carrying out the written report assessment – right from choosing your topic, through submitting the assessments that were designed to help progress you through the process (the plan and the annotated bibliography) right through to writing and submitting the electronic and hard copies of your report. Refer to the ‘reflective writing’ information and exercises to recall the elements we would like to see. Try to make this an exercise in recalling a specific learning experience or experiences; describe it, elaborate; talk about how you felt and reacted and how you feel now, looking back; what have you learned?; how will this change things going forward? If you feel the need, use the phrase examples supplied in the ‘reflective writing – a basic introduction’ document. The box on the right will expand to take all the text you write, but please keep it around 400 words
“When we were first informed of this major report assessment I was anxious because after deferring university for a semester to work on myself I wasn’t sure if I would be able to jump right back onto the horse with the best of my ability. This led to me dragging it along and procrastinating profusely until the last 4 hours before submission which is when I started and finished the entire project (excluding the annotated bibliography of course which was due much earlier).
Initially I was planning on choosing a topic surrounding the medical field and was tossing up between the cryogenics and the organ donation/transplant options however upon starting the annotated bibliography I found it a much better option to choose the ‘Animals and factory farming’ choice as I already had previous research and information that I could use from my previous course in studying to be a vet. This would lighten the workload and I did not have to strain myself tied to a computer screen raiding the internet for journals, books and other informative media… with that being said I still did. After finishing the annotated bibliography I felt more secure and less threatened by the assignment in general as now I had a much broader view of the project and what was required.
I was also somewhat concerned at the parameters of the project that required the report to be 1000 words or less. This to me was outrageous. How in the world can I write a 1000 word report on animal and factory farming (or anything at all), I need at the least 1500 or 2000. As gloating as it may sound that I am one of the few people who want to write MORE for an assignment than less this is so true. In order to successfully give a well written report I absolutely require no restrictions on word limit, this doesn’t mean that I will write pages long of tautology and run around in linguistic circles but I just need the freedom of words to succinctly convey my points – needless to say, I struggled to keep it to a 1000 word maximum when the time came to write it.
Due to my procrastinate habits stated previously yes I started the report at 9pm that Sunday night and finished at 11pm, unaware that I had to provide a further 10 or so pages of titles, bibliography, appendices etc. This felt overwhelming at the time and I was in a frantic rush to the finish line. Fortunately however I felt much relief after my submission at 11:56pm and I felt that I could finally relax for a bit. On hindsight, as many procrastinators feel, regret struck as I knew I had not submitted the best of my work and ability although there was nothing I could do now and only acceptance could be embraced in order to improve my ways in the future. And extensive practice in time management.
My greatest apologies for the ~500 word count for this reflection – evidently I love writing (reports and all).”
Hahahahahaha.
dreamingoutloud. 